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Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
6:31 pm - hahaha screw you fear brain!
Ok so vague but needed to note that I am getting my brain in some order and it rocks! Over to the corner with you fear and you can have your cup of hot chocolate and your blanket and get out of my way. :D


Tuesday, March 4th, 2014
12:10 am - WEE!!
Ok So so much going on

On baby watch. The goat is huge! And went off her feed tonight.

On Death Watch.. One of the other goats took a bad turn and we are waiting to see what way he is going to go. :(

Out of my BRACE! And starting pt! Win!!

Waiting to hear back about my next MRI to see how bad the shoulder damage is.. SUCK

So up and down.

Had a hard but amazing weekend with my peoples and got a lot of bad history worked out. So it lead to tears and dealing with sore places but in the end we are all stronger for it and I feel like I am starting to work on some of my bad issues.


Sunday, February 16th, 2014
12:10 am - Ok ok I suck at this update everyday thing
Today was Dun Der Con, it was short but fun!
I got to MC the day and had a blast, though I am really missing the fighting. We had a good turn out that allowed us to never stop fighting and keeping everyone interested in what we did. IT was AWESOME getting to see Loy and hang out with him, times like this I remember how much I miss him and just being around him.

Other than that, my elbow is a pain.. because I am pushing it to hard to fast... *makes faces at self* SO I am going to take tomorrow off and just let it be.

Love ya'll!

<1 Squeak ~ Mousemallow?>

Saturday, February 8th, 2014
9:41 pm - Many "Profound" Things
lol, So as I am sitting here staring at a computer game that is going to eat my brain.. I can just feel it coming.. waiting for night to pass on the world (in game) I felt like putting down some notes for myself so that I can remember those moments if "light bulb" we all have.

So two things that tie in with each other. I was having a discussion with my sig others last night over dinner, and I was thinking out loud that I did not understand why they fell in love with me. I ground out loud while they listened and smiled.. then with out thoughts really forming before they tumbled out of my mouth.. I said the next thing that will change how I see the world.. I said I know they love me, I don't second guess that, I don't even need to know why they love me (not my place to in some cases/not my business) I don't understand why I am worth loving.
Well I set my fork down at that and kinda just sputtered. They both grinned, as I then went on to gasp and splutter about the horse work shop that I just did.. about all the work over the last year. really? It why was that so hard to understand?
In the end they love me for me.. It is time that I learned to love myself too, because until I do how can I ever imagine how other people can love me?

I am ok with taking on this, I am a strong person, I am not a bad person, I am a hell of a friend too.. So why do I have so much trouble loving myself? Easy, I think it is ego and ego is bad.. there is the first step in many things, how can i expect to be great when I see every success as ego, every thing I ask others as a burden and unfair to them? Its not, I have strong people around me they will tell me if my ego gets out of hand, and I must trust them so I can stretch my wings and learn to fly so I can quit feeling like I am falling.

That then touches on the second thing, every time I ask another person to do something or can they help me I sky away like a struck child. I apologise and back up and then try to just pretend I did not ask. Really? Why the fuck is is ok for me to find joy is helping others but I can't seem to allow others to help me? Why to I take away their joy of helping? Why do I not trust them to tell me that they can't or I am asking to much?
Really that last one boil down to I feel that I can't say that so I expect others can't to - WRONG! how can I learn lessens that I try to save others from before I even have a grasp on the concept?

ok enough brain notes. back to soul eating games and trying to pretend my elbow does not hurt!

OH look tea! WIN!

current mood: restless


Monday, February 3rd, 2014
10:38 pm - Bad me I missed two epic days
So here is the Write up I posted about the event I got to help run. It was just a fucking epic day, lots of fighting, lots of people, and lots of opportunities for people to learn and grow as fighters :D

War College: Holy Heck! Yesterday was awesome!
I loved seeing so many people come out and play, we had 10 war units of 7+ People come take the field and challenge themselves and the other units though the different fields. There were lots of laughs and some damned good fights. I was sad to not be among those fighting but proud of my kingdom and how much joy there was.

We had 6 new fighters authorized
Rough estimate was 140 though gate

We had many man new fighters out on the field, learning to take orders, give orders and test themselves with the veteran war fighters.

We had classes for fighters and non fighters.
They all went off so well, each class taught different ideas and I am honored by those teachers that took the time to come teach.
I cannot be more thankful to all of you that brought your knowledge and made the effort to better our units. I want to thank my teachers for the heavy fighters, you all took your time and energy to teach and I hope that all of you enjoyed the experience. I may miss some people and I am sorry if I do but I have special thanks for His Majesty Thorfin (Kelly Long), Mark Hollingshead, Miles Edgerton and Bucket, Heinrich (Kelly Wilde) and Jost, Zaid (Merced Romero Jr), Hauoc (Danielle N Oliver), and Ajax Tmighty.
Thanks to Joel Schonbrunn for stepping in and teaching Archery. There were a lot of happy faces over in your corner.
Thanks to Nightshade (Douglas E Leonard) for running and teaching rapier classes.
I got good feed back from the students and on lookers. Each class seemed well attended and people are hungry for more!

For those that were on the non-fighter side of teaching, thank you! I sadly did not get to come see you teach but I have heard that it was awesome!

For the Autocrat Ann (Robin White) and to all others that helped her get the site together and going, the local people and those that sat at gate and helped clean up. You all made the day amazing.

I cannot express in words how much I am impressed with the kingdom and the people in it as individuals and as groups. You all remind me of why I smile so much when I am with you, and why I want to try and make more events like this happen. Thank you all.
SO after all this I got to BS with my Grand Knight a little and it almost seems the man is proud of me :D He has expressed his desire to work with me further on projects and is excited I may be coming over to this side of the hill and training a bit with him :D WIN!

WE took the whole day and were little couch slugs, win win win. This injury has been very good for me to get calmer about taking down time for myself. We all got together and played games and just in general enjoyed each other :D

DR Appointment.. the dreaded removal of the stitches and my hopes they would tell me I could start doing PT.. MUHHAHAHA NOT!

The removal was not that bad, I made some squeeky sounds when they had to dig to get where my skin had grown over the suture. So half healed really well, however, the top open up a little and so I am in butterfly sutures again for a couple days to make sure that it takes well.

PT.. none for another 4 weeks. I did some pretty good damage in my elbow, apparently something they had not seen before, we shall get to that after the bitching session! DAMN IT I WANT OUT OF THIS FUCKING BRACE! *pout* I want to not be all restrained and crippled and that.. I know it is much less than it could be, there are people that are way worse off than me, etc. *Sigh* and I will get better but god damn it the thing drives me crazy. End rant

Not even going to start in with how financially screwed I am... but I will make it some how.

So the damage I did, I tore the tendons under the main triceps tendon. With out tearing out the triceps tendon. The doc will give you an odd look when he tries to figure that one out. lol, so in the end it was good because the joint was lacking support and would have continued to break down further till something went to rip the main tendons or blow the joint. SO ya again I have scored points in the WTF category.

This afternoon I got to go to a movie with Cliff, we enjoyed the day and poked fun at each other like 12 year olds, I do enjoy my time with him a lot. lol, also we got FLUX! win win win :D He also got some strange looks at the doctors office when we went in and I called him sexy, hehehe.. I think that everyone thinking he is my dad makes him twitch some days. I just kinda poke fun at him for it. What I get for dating a man that could be my father.. I swear I don't have daddy issues..

This evening was filled with good food and playing Flux, all 4 of us got to sit down and talk about our day, and tease each other. It was really good. Flux was a hit and I have a feeling that the game will make it into the game night rotation on a regular basis. :D

And lets see if I remember how to post an image so that you all can see my peoples.


In 6 weeks we will have been together for a year.. holy shit. I had very little single time from one relationship to the next but this new group has become my second family. The three of them have made such a difference in my life, from becoming a stronger person about my boundaries to learning to laugh and cry better. I love them more than simple words can express, though the hard and the good.

current mood: content


Thursday, January 30th, 2014
11:38 pm - Hrumph
So today started with a tangle, then a misunderstanding, then my temper... it has taken most of the day to ware out, and some of my heavier pain killers. Bleck... So now I am doing better.

So today the sexy boyfriend Josh took my truck a part, with me watching bitterly since my arm really does not lend to getting under the truck. Though I did not end up totally useless, just fetching tools and being conversation :D The part we got was bad, so the only part went back in and the truck will continue to shift hard till we can get the new part back in. lol, but it has new windshield wipers! lol! one day a fix on that truck will go easily.

Had some amazing fun times hanging with Patsie for tea and a slice of Apple Pie :D

Awesome dinner

And Looks like the other sexy boyfriend may have an amazing job potential! Win!

Now to find work on this side of the hill.

Healing sucks.. fuck this healing shit.


Tuesday, January 28th, 2014
10:07 pm - Short day
I slept.. did I mention sleep? lots really.

that is all

oh work out completed


Saturday, January 25th, 2014
11:09 pm - The First Day Out
I have to admit I may have over done it a little bit today. Good god. Though it was good to get out and see people. Nice small event and it was good to see close friends get to step up and take the position of Prince and Princess :D They are going to do awesome

So I am checking out fetlife, watching my girlfriend voodoo Kate to see what she needs to do about her lungs.

So ya brain is still especially full but I can't write it down yet, my hands don't want to yet. Body is still to sore, and I am now getting twitches in the elbow.

Back to drinking my fruity hippy drink, feeling kinda stoned on pain meds, and thinking kinky thoughts.

Did my exercises too.. ha!!

current mood: tired

<1 Squeak ~ Mousemallow?>

Thursday, January 23rd, 2014
7:53 pm - Day under the Knife
So I missed yesterday, just kinda got caught up in the whole pep thing. Bad me.

So today was a good day overall. My sexy Cliff drove me at 5:30 am to the surgery center, I went under at 9ish. They put a pin in my elbow to reattach the triceps tendon.
the rest of this is going to be more cliff note fashon... and screw the shift key for now.. lol

having a 14 gauge needle jammed into my neck was odd, nerve block for that arm.
seeing it on the scan was super cool
my nerve bundles are super deep and are apparently odd
something got in my eye while I was under (major suck) - awesome girlfriend and boyfriend washed my eye out and got it :) - close to 5 hr later
my dogs are super cute trying to make sure everything is ok and I have a smile on my face
my girlfriend kicks major ass, she cleaned and set up my room, he energy in it is really nice and warm
soup is my friend

sleep now.


Tuesday, January 21st, 2014
9:39 pm - Day 2
By gods.. I have lost my every living little brain. Everything is packed and then re checked.. then packed again. I have to be missing something right? I mean I can't be this organised and then mellow. *blink* Why am I so mellow when I am about to go into surgery and go onto an income that I can't technically pay my bills with? I am not sure, but my head and soul seem to be calm and quiet about this transition and I know that I will make it, may be hard but I will make it.

In other news, boss wants me back as soon as I can go onto light duty, office manager wants me to stay out as long as possible (we don't see eye to eye really, or at least it seems that way). And my crew is a little nervous about how we are going to get everything done. Little do most of them know that my plan is to quit at the beginning of June and be out.

Other than than well there is not much going on today. Drinking a beer and debating on marketing some projects I am working on. Really I think I am just going to sleep.. 3am comes way the fuck to early some days.

Exercises done, cider drank (yumm), and all the piercings changed out to surgery friendly stuff. lol, I feel so naked with so many of them out!!

current mood: calm


Monday, January 20th, 2014
9:02 pm - Damn it has been 4 years.
I am not sure if any of you are on here any more but I am going to use this site again to stay closer to my friends that I feel ok with knowing more of my mind that those on Facebook. I don't need to or intend to keep everyone in the loop about things but this is my way of checking in on myself and giving you all a view on the crazy journey that this year will be :D

So with out a further ado... I am going into surgery in 2 days. holy fuck... I am not freaking out yet, I keep waiting for it to happen and it does not, just seems to be the right thing to do so I can get on to the next part of my life and back into armor. From there I have 6 to 8 weeks before I can go back to work and get really going on the recovery process. I am going to take that time to see some people, relax and sleep a lot. Also start my next phase in self training to get the hell out of my job.

Currently I am looking at 2 weeks at my sig others place.
A couple days with Mari
And A couple days with my parents (up to a week)

From there I am making no plans and going to not micro manage things to death in this.

So here the journey begins.. 2014 starts with a surgery, and knowing that I will quit my job, and leave the house I live in currently, get back in armor and fight like a mad thing, pick up a new horse to work, and mountain bike. This year will be full of change both good and bad, fear and hope, and as normal me being a damned catalyst. So to all of you that are going to be a part of this path, I love you and will see you where we meet.

I am going to attempt to update this on a daily basis as a personal experiment, I want to see and know the changes that I am going through and the best way to do that is to just ramble some days but to track it.

This year starts change.

current mood: accomplished

<4 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Monday, November 9th, 2009
9:53 pm - :D
It’s Time to PARTY!
So it is that time of year, time to party in Riverbank! On November 21st we will be hosting a Steam Punk Birthday Party for me. :D We will open the house up around 4pm and go till we run out of steam. If you want to join us before then we will be playing with the horses and generally having fun.
There will be games, we are taking suggestions now and would love input. We as always will have Rock Band, and this year Twister, because I want it you know :P
Costumes are not a must but extra bonus points to those that dress up!
We will be cooking like normal, hot dogs, hamburgers, and the all famous Kabobs. There will be drinking and we are asking for people to bring their favorite beverage to share.
RSVP for crash space
Address is: 3660 Van Dusen Ave, Riverbank Ca 95367

<5 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Saturday, October 17th, 2009
7:05 pm - Ya for Red Mares!
lol, so worked Luna a bit to day and had a blast! She tried to get shitty with me a couple times but we worked it out, she is sooooo much fun. Hell I just enjoyed doing ground work with her... and I HATE ground work. She is relaxing into a trot nicely and we are starting to figure each other out.

It is nice to just enjoy myself for a day too.

All of you I saw at GWW, you all rock! I had a blast and thank you!

<1 Squeak ~ Mousemallow?>

Monday, June 29th, 2009
9:56 am - quick entry
*hugs* I MISS YOU ALL!!!

I came down for a quick run and am now heading back up north. I am happier than I have been in a long time. :D I miss fighting, I miss my friends, but it feels like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders and I can now stand taller and look around with out trying to not fall. It is awsome.

COME SEE THE SHOW! I will be preforming in Aug for the fair, more updates to come on the dates and what I am doing in the show.

Woot woot!

<7 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Sunday, June 14th, 2009
11:08 am
*sigh* I am soooo.... so fucking pissed, about breaking my foot, about being unable to do shit, and about people fucking lecturing me about what I should and should not do. This is a teen age moment for me, I know they are looking out for me but after almost 2 weeks not being able to do shit I am starting to get really short and fucking fed up with life. Ya for overly short tempers.

This short temper is not helping me get ready to move. It is doing the opposite, making me irratable at everyone around me and stressing em out further. Fuck I am done, when the truck is packed I will be so fucking happy.

Update: for all of you who the news has not reached through the grape vine, I am heading to Quincy for the summer to work with a trick trainer, we shall see how this job goes and if it works out. I am happy and excited, though I know it is not comming through my typing right now.

<5 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Thursday, May 14th, 2009
12:51 am - Sad..
So I have not posted it yet here but this last Tuesday I had to put Indy my Black German Shepard to sleep. She was suffering from an unknown and very rapidly progressing cancer (we think and will know in 10 days) and the vet felt that after explatory sergery that she had a poor prognosis and recomended that I put her to sleep. She was never woken back up from her operation. I will be taking her up north to be barried next to my horse, under the mountains that I proudly call home.

I will miss her dearly, I only had her for a couple months but she was a huge thing in my life, she was my buddy, my companion, and most of all my friend. Those of you who saw her at the war, thank you, you made her happy, giving her all the love in the world for a dog that had to little time among us

She will be in a better place now and with out pain.

I love and miss her dearly.

current mood: crushed

<3 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Sunday, April 19th, 2009
5:29 pm - Long week
I will post more about my trip up north (quincy), about car problems, fun camping and etc.

How ever for now I will post the sad news We finally put down Dweeb (Calab, Strawberry, shit head, etc.) my appy that I have had since I was 4. I sold him before I moved to a home that I thought would take care of him. I was wrong, she gave him back to me and I made the decision that it was time to put him down. He had a hip injury 2 years ago and it had only gotten worse, he was scruffy, thinner, and his feet were horrid.

I love hime very much and will miss him, he was quietly laid to rest in my upper pasture in Meadowvalley, Ca. He will be missed, he taight numerous people to ride, how to fall, and how to love a horse with a little to much personality at some points.

I have a request, if any of you have pics of him I would love to get them. I have very few and would love to have some good memories.

current mood: sad

<6 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
4:39 pm - HAPPY B-DAY!

current mood: silly

<2 Squeaks ~ Mousemallow?>

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
1:46 pm - Hehe
What Greek Goddess are you?

You are Persephone!
You are Persephone!
You are like Persephone, daughter of Demeter and wife of Hades. That's right...you are married to the god of the underworld...and that makes you QUEEN of the underworld. But you should tell your friends not to judge...sometimes good girls just fall for bad boys. Like Persephone, you are somewhat paradoxical, as you present a saintly aura part of the time and a wild child aura the other part. Whereas you can be a sophisticated lady, you definitely know how to bring out your politically INcorrect side. :)
How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic</font>


Monday, March 23rd, 2009
11:32 am - March Crown
Ahhh it was awsome, though there only for a day it was a very good event. Saw a lot of people that I have missed, many that I wish I had talked to more but I was constantly on the move. I miss you all.

Fighting, though I did little, was awsome, I had good bounts and got to get Hamish a rose. :D

And then promply spent all of sunday sleeping.

current mood: awake


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